Oh why must you mock me?

Some time ago, I had a very very very very irritating patient who frequently represented with the same condition then refused all treatment.

As I stood in her room explaining the options (a) accept treatment, b) go home), the patient said, in a threatening manner:

“Do you want me to NEVER COME BACK to this hospital?!!”

Um well, actually that would be really great. Let’s try it!

Terrible doctors I tell you

Patient: The doctors in this place are terrible! Always changing my medications! I usually take 400mg of Brainium Plus and they’re only giving me 200mg!!! And I always take my calcium three times a day and they’re only giving it to me once!! SO INCOMPETENT!

Yay: hmm well that sounds like it can be easily fixed. I’ll just get your notes to see what has happened.

Patient: Hah! RED TAPE BUREAUCRACY! It’s a joke!!

…. Yay potters off to get the notes… looks at the page in the admission papers saying “Medications”… the table is blank except for “See green sheets”… Yay flips through the folder to the green sheets. Ah! It’s the patient’s home-made medical record that he has lovingly put together with everything from the painful toenail when marooned on an island off the coast of Greenland to the time the aspirin fell down the toilet and the patient had to take paracetamol for his headache instead… and then the list of medications.

Yay: er.. sir the list of medications that you gave us indicates that you are taking 200mg of Brainium Plus and calcium once daily.

Patient: well I’ve been taking 400mg since last week and the calcium three times daily for two weeks!!

Yay: yes but doctors often have to rely on the patient to tell us how they take their medications…

Patient: but I gave them the list!!

lost: one hour

This is the first time I’ve been awake to see daylight saving commence. I’m pleased to report that my computer and phone both skipped from 1:59 to 3:00 unprompted. I am not pleased to be an hour more sleep-deprived than I’d planned.

In other news, tonight as I was driving home from work at 43 minutes past midnight, through the mist an ice cream van loomed into sight going in the opposite direction. I wonder where it had been… or was going…

search term round-up

search terms

The first term is, I believe, a description of vertigo, which is referred to in the Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine.

The sixth term is a phrase used many times in discussion with the assistant minister at my old church. I always thought his introductions were excellent…

“How to scare cockatoos” – Pooka is working on that one. I believe that Pooka is the reason we get more passionfruit on our side of the fence than the neighbours do (they own/maintain the vine however). However I’m not sure how well Pooka would fare against those claws and beaks…

Very important* news

Tonight I went to the movies with a friend because my father told me that there were two Gold Class movie tickets in the cupboard above the stove that needed to be used.

I’d never been to a Gold Class movie. As I sat in the Gold Class bar before being shown to my seat, I wondered how many of the people present had actually paid for their tickets and how many had been given them or won them or found them in a bus shelter. I’m guessing it’s roughly 50/50.

We saw Tomorrow When the War Began. I remember when the book came out – I would have been in about year 7. I enjoyed it very much. On the back of the first book of the series, the word “trilogy” was used. So I eagerly awaited the remaining two books in the trilogy. It was somewhat disconcerting when the fourth book was released… then the fifth… sixth… seventh… then the spin-off series…

I think it would have been a good idea to stop at three. But what’s done is done.

Anyway, the movie was pretty good. I am not a huge fan of shooting scenes and there were a number of those, however the plate of chicken wings, bruschetta and little chicken pastry things arrived at around the same time the unpleasantness began and I could busy myself with eating chicken wings in the dark. I do quite like explosions and there were some good ones of those.

After the movie I popped into the clothes shop next to the cinema, that for some reason is open when the rest of the shopping centre is closed… and I found some work-appropriate trousers with reasonable pockets (girl clothes generally have abysmal pockets). They were $40 – which is quite good. But then for some reason the shop guy gave me 50% off. That was very pleasing.

The End.

* pfft importance is in the eye of the announcer

Just thought I’d share

1. I use the wrong hands to hold my knife and fork.

2. Today I went into a cafe to buy a drink at around 5:30pm. I gazed into the food display and the guy behind the counter gestured at a pile of scones and bagels and I thought he said “there are three bagels”. As I hadn’t had my lunch, I concurred that a blueberry bagel would be a good idea. He said “and one for your breakfast too?” I said “how much?” and he said “free!”. That was very pleasing.

3. I used a quarter of a tank of petrol today.

4. Someone logged in to my email account from Saudi Arabia a few days ago and changed the password and changed the language to Arabic. Gmail were very fast to grant me access again and it wasn’t hard to get back to English once I remembered that with text that goes from right to left, the ok and cancel buttons will probably be in the opposite order to what I am accustomed to.

5. Gmail told me today that someone logged in to my account from Morocco the day after someone logged in from Saudi Arabia. This is starting to get somewhat concerning. Have changed passwords and increased security again. I am wondering if this could be something to do with my Blackberry…

6. I am growing carrots. I don’t think they’re ready yet.

7. I’m also growing strawberries. They are midget strawberries at the moment.

The end of writer’s block

So I was sitting at a computer today, saving lives by documenting blood test results, when an immaculately dressed gentleman approached the desk and loudly addressed the assembled crowd (a ward clerk, a few nurses, some random passers-by and me):

“I have opened my bowels. You might like to write that in your book”

Why thank you. I might just do that. I’ll start a new chapter.

an unwinnable argument

Patient: the other doctor said that I can’t go home because I have a memory problem! I don’t have a memory problem! Why does he say that?
Yay: er well we did a memory test when you arrived here and there were a few problems identified…
Patient: I didn’t do a memory test! I don’t remember that!

It’s amusing when real life reflects cartoons.