Well after my last post, some of you might be concerned that I am not going to be ready for the End Of The World As We Know It. Fear not, I will not be drowining in a sea of washing machine lint and sterile M&Ms. I will be in the bunker to end all bunkers. And today I have decided to unveil some of the details of where I’ll be hiding out.
1. The bunker is in a shoe shop. How many people do you know who have died of the bird flu while in a shoe shop huh? Yeah! None!!
2. The shoe shop is underground. A long way underground. When the epidemic arrives, it will be a Rapture-like situation. Except those are Left Behind will not be the sinners and unprepared folk. We will be a holy and blessed flock who have made vast and seemingly insane amounts of preparation for a situation that seems fairly unlikely to occur. A bit like Noah really. And see what happened to him?! So anyway, it’s far enough underground to withstand the force of impact of 723 jumbo jets simultaneously crash landing on a space the size of a contact lense. I am working on plans to reinforce the ceilings that should a 724th plan also happen to land on that contact lense, we will have sufficient time to evacuate to my back up bunker.
3. There is a state of the art defence system including lasers, big guns, explosions, fireworks (for the kids, you know), tanks, armoured vehicles, battle ships, sirens, bows and arrows and our secret weapon – an arsenal of small stones.
4. We have plenty of water. The world water crisis is nothing to do with overconsumption or all the water evaporating up to the sun or whatever. It’s because bit by bit, people like me have been saving it!! Every time I brush my teeth, I let the tap run for twice as long as necessary. Then I catch the half I don’t need and add it to my water storage containers. If water is on special I stock up extra!! Hint: always carry some sort of water storage with you so that wherever you go you can gather bits and pieces – at a friend’s place, in restaurants (they’re suckers for free water!!), at public water fountains… the only limit is your imagination! Beautiful!
5. Petrol. See point 4. Hint: try not to get arrested. When the flu arrives, the jails will be locked down and the criminals will all be forced to eat each other. Or they will be released into the countryside to rape, pillage and plunder whatever gets in their way. Unless the feral dog colonies eat them first.
6. Bananas. See point 4. I have also devised a method of preserving bananas which retains their original taste and texture. It involves soaking them in petrol, rinsing in water and storing in a solution of powdered milk and vinegar. You would never know they weren’t fresh from Queensland!!
7. I am currently pondering the requirements of toilet paper. The bunker is built to house 144,000 people for 7 years. However if these people use on average half a roll of toilet paper each week, we would require 28 million rolls of toilet paper. I would increase that to 40 million rolls as toilet paper is extremely versatile and you can never have too much. BUT this much toilet paper would mean that there was only room for 12 people to live in the bunker. At least until those 12 people had used 20 million rolls of paper. Which would take about 65 thousand years. By which time hopefully the flu would be gone and perhaps there would be no need to let the other 143, 988 people in. So at the moment I am considering both surgical and nutritional alternatives to the problem and will keep everyone posted. There are currently 9 rolls just in case.
8. The bunker contains a state of the art communications hub. A friend of mine’s year 8 science class designed it. It will allow us to communicate with other civilisations in our universe and possibly other universes. I imagine that aliens will be friendly once they know that most of humanity has perished and only a chosen few remain. It is quite likely that they will possess some sort of substance that will eradicate any residual flu virus once the Unprepared have become extinct so that we can recolonise the Earth. I see no reason for an Earth based communications network (tv, radio, internet, telephone) as there will be no-one to broadcast or maintain these systems. Our only hope is to look beyond our planet. We will first consult the fourth planet from the sun. And work our way out from there.
9. Most of the employment opportunities in the bunker will be related to the powdered butter industry. I have been researching this miraculous product and am certain that it is THE answer to sustaining a large population for an extended period of time. Powdered butter can be used as a source of nutrition, a means of supplying power, a building material, a lubricant, a medication, for cosmetic purposes and much much more. In the bunker we will be doing extensive trials into future uses for this powdered gold and also on more efficient means of producing it. Extraction from powdered cows is time consuming and costly and I envisage that it could be synthesised quite easily.
10. At the moment there are somewhere between 10 and 143,998 places available in the bunker depending on the outcome of the toilet paper problem (I have reserved you a place as requested Dee). Applications for positions are open as of now. Please outline your reasons for wishing to reside in the bunker, provide evidence that you have been preparing for The End Of The World As We Know It and give information on what skills you can bring to the bunker. If there are any particular roles that you can see yourself fulfilling (whether mentioned in this dossier or not), by all means include that on your application. References are not mandatory but may work in your favour.